Disclaimer: You know I would never have even consider anything like Gundam Wing in my little mind...so that right there should tell you I don't own them. But who ever said I couldn't wish!  I also don't own the lyrics!

Title: Letting Go
Lyrics: by Anna (wisdom_strikes@yahoo.com)
Pairings: 2xH, with mention of 3xH
Warnings: Angst, Mature Subjects, Death
Author: Sarah ‹

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Itís dark.  Really dark.  I try to wiggle my fingers in front of my face.  Itís no use.  I canít see them.  I canít see anything.  Where am I?  I donít remember how I got here.  I know I was driving before it got dark.  But how I got to this place, Iím not sure.  Iím afraid of moving.  I donít want to hit anything.  Then I realize I might be alone.  Duo was with me in the car.  I call out to him.  I hear my voice.  At least I know my voice isnít gone.  There is no answer from him.  Where is he?  He was right next to me, in the passenger seat.  Our two-year-old son was in the back.  Where is Hunter?  I call out to my baby.  Thereís still no answer.  Suddenly, I see a vision.  Iím not sure if it is real.  Iím back to the spot I last remember, but now I am outside of the car by a tree.  There has been an accident.  The car is in pieces.  Duo must have pulled me from the front seat.  Iím bleeding all over.  I see my eyes are closed, but Iím still breathing as my chest moves in and out slowly.  Duo is crying, trying to wake me up.  In the distance, I hear voices.  Singing.

 

You sit here and 'talk' to me.
I listen to your words, hearing the concern even through the line.
You tell me you love me, you tell me hold on
And all I can hear are the angels calling.

 

Duo is telling me he is sorry.  But itís a little too late for that.  My memory is starting to come back to me.  We were arguing just before everything went dark.  Weíve been doing a lot of that lately.  The last three years have not been good for Duo and I.  Not since that little incident.  I donít know how he thought he was going to get away with it.  In our bed, for gosh sakes.  He promised he would never do it again, but I didnít believe him.  I was right not to believe him.  Not more than two weeks later, with another girl.  Again it happened in our bed.  And now, when Iím bleeding all over, he tells me he loves me.  Who is he trying to fool?  I take a step backwards away from the tree.  Off in the distance I see angels.  Singing.

Iím letting go, I say, Iím cutting loose
But I hear your voice, your concern throughout time
You tell me, you say how you love me
And all I can see are the angels spreading their wings.

I came home early that day.  Tired from all the piles of reports I was doing at work.  I hadnít gotten very much sleep in the last week.  Lady Une noticed it and sent me home.  She knew what had happened two weeks before.  Everyone did.  I didnít keep it a secret.  I had just walked in the door when I heard the familiar noise.  It was coming from our bedroom again.  Duo was supposed to be out on patrol.  So much for patrolling the streets.  I wondered if it was the same girl.  Tears began to well up in my eyes.  He promised no more.  He lied.  I opened the bedroom door with such force that it hit the wall with a crack.  Startled, they both looked at me with surprised eyes.  It was a different girl.  I started screaming.  He tried to make excuses.  I ran from the apartment, tears falling freely from my face.  I heard him calling after me.  I didnít stop.  I take another step backwards, away from the tree.  Duo is still speaking to me.  I now see the angels in the distance, wings spread open.  They are closer than before.  Singing.

Theyíre comingÖ
Iím letting go
I hear your voice
Iím letting go
You tell me hang on, I hear your voice
Iím letting go 

 

I kept running.  I didnít know where I was going, but I didnít care.  I wanted to get away from Duo.  As far away as possible.  I finally did stop running.  And I realize my feet took me to the most unlikely place possible, Trowaís apartment building.  Why I ended up here, I wasnít sure, but he did tell me to stop over anytime if I wanted to talk.  I guess I wanted to talk.  I rang his doorbell, and he answered, surprised.  He was glad I had stopped by.  I broke down and told him what happened.  He said he was going to march over there and kill Duo for doing it again.  I told him not too.  I was mad, very mad, at Duo, but he was the only one I had.  I told Trowa I didnít want him hurt.  I just need to give Duo time to think about what he had done, how he had hurt me.  I cried on Trowaís chest for ages, letting him soothe me by stroking my back.  Before I knew what was happening, we were kissing, passionately.  I secretly have always found Trowa attractive, ever since I first saw him at the circus when I was with Duo.  And then things got very heavy.  After everything was done, Trowa ask if I regretted doing what we had just done.  I told him no.  I told him it was something I needed to do before going back and talking with Duo.  He understood and said he had no regrets either.  We parted and I went back home to talk things out with Duo.  I came back to him.  Now that, Iím regretting.  Duo is still desperately trying to wake me up.  Still saying that he loves me.  I close my eyes and take another step back.  The angels are still drawing near.  Singing.

You sit here and Ďtalkí to me
I listen to your words, nothing matters in this age old rhyme
You tell me hold on, you say you love me
And all I can imagine are the angels singing.

When I came back to him that night after I had left, there was a lot of arguing and crying.  But after several days we made up by making love.  Duo and I got married four months later.  We decided this after I told him I was pregnant.  I thought things were finally going to be different between the two of us, but things were still not perfect.  I was always keeping tabs on him.  And Lady Une wouldnít allow Duo to go on any more missions that meant that he wouldnít be home for days.  I had him on a leash 24/7 and he did not like it.  But he went along with it anyway and voiced his disapproval of it regularly.  This went on until Hunterís birth.  Duo was a good father.  Iíll give him that.  He never left Hunterís side in the first few months.  I dropped my leash on Duo when I saw that he was going to be there for us.  I thought everything was fine.  When Hunter was 11 months old, Duo started coming home late.  I asked him where he was, and he said he was out with Heero.  I believed him, because he wouldnít do it every night.  Just once or twice a week.  After Hunter was 14 months old, Duo started coming home late more and more regularly.  He was starting to argue with me about little nonsense things.  These arguments became worse in the next year.  Also, he started fighting with Trowa more and more often at work.  I had told him that I went to Trowaís the night I caught him the second time.  But I never told him what Trowa and I did.  I know Trowa didnít either.  I think Duo suspected something.  Iím not sure how.  I open my eyes.  I see Duoís tears and hear his cries of sorrow.  Iím feeling sorry for him right now, but yet I think this is what he deserves.  I turn my head a little bit and look around.  I donít see Hunter anywhere.  I step back.  The angels are very close.  Theyíre almost touching me.  Singing.

Iím holding on, Iím letting go
I hear your voice on the line
So many thoughts, so many words
Not enough, not enough time

Theyíre comingÖ
Iím letting go
I hear your voice
Iím letting go
You tell me hang on, I hear your voice
Iím letting go


I stare at Duo, and start remembering.  The last of my memories are becoming clear.  I buckle Hunter to his car seat.  The three of us are about ready to go.  We are going to visit Relena and Heero.  They just had a new baby.  Duo gets into the passenger seat.  I climb into the driverís seat.  We drive off.  Duo and I were fighting just before we left.  Nothing of any importance.  Weíve just been doing that a lot lately.  We havenít spoken a word to each other in the car.  It is pleasant for a change.  Duo stares out the window.  Heís thinking, I know it.  Suddenly out of the blue, he asks me if anything happened between Trowa and I.  I know he had had that question in his mine lately, but didnít know how to say it.  I tell him no.  He knows my answer is a lie.  He starts screaming that my answer isnít true and that Trowa had actually told him the truth a day earlier.  I start screaming back, that it just happened and that it isnít like he hadnít cheated on me before.  I tell him that it was in the past and to leave it there.  Duo gets out of hand.  He is screaming at the top of his lungs, waving his hands in outrage.  Hunter wakes up and starts wailing from the back.  I think, is this how the rest of my life is going to be, arguing about the past?  I canít take it.  My hands begin to shake.  Iím really mad.  I donít want this to go on anymore.  I want the arguing to stop.  The last thing I hear is Duo asking me why Hunterís eyes are green.  I turn the wheel.  I step back.  The angels go right through me.  Singing.

Iím letting go

 

Itís dark again.  I canít see anything.  I wiggle my fingers in front of my face again. Nothing.  In the distance I hear Duoís voice.  Itís begging me to come back.  I walk away from the voice.  He calls to me again, begging, pleading.  I continue to walk through the darkness away from his voice.  A small light appears before me.  It is in the distance.  I walk closer to it.  Duoís calls are getting fainter.  I hear singing again.  It is now coming from the light before me.  The singing calls out to me, beckoning me towards it.  I get closer to the light.  I see someone there, waiting.  Itís Hunter.  My baby.  And he has wings.  Bright, golden wings.  He is waiting for me.  Iíve reached the light.  Iím at the very point.  There is only one choice I can make now.  No going back on the decision I make.  I cannot yet see whatís beyond the light.  All I have to do is walk through it.  Hunter is just on the other side.  He walks up to the edge and holds out his hand for me.  I reach for him, and then stop.  I hear Duo out in the darkness.  I hear him cry,

ďNo Hilde, please donít leave me.  Iím sorry, very sorry.  I canít live without you.  You are everything to me.  Iím begging you, donít let go!Ē  I make my decision.  I lower my head, take Hunterís hand, and walk into the light.  Iíve let go.

Holding onÖ angels sing
Letting goÖ they spread their wings
You love meÖ I hear your voice
You love meÖ I have no choice
Not enoughÖ never enoughÖ
Iím letting go

 

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