Disclaimer: I don't own Avril Lavigne's song "Naked", though itís a very good song.
And I'm an Avril fan. I don't see why we have to write disclaimers, I mean, shouldn't they be paying us for advertising their
What Will Get Me Through Today?
Lyrics: by Avril Lavigne
Warnings: Angst, Suicide, Duo POV
Author: Kentra Shinataku
Wake up in the morning,
Put on my face,
The one that's gonna get me,
Through another day
Doesn't really matter,
What I feel inside,
This life is like a game sometimes
Most of the time, its like I can't even breathe. Everythingís pressing in on me, suffocating me with that fake smile that always wears on my face, fixing me into that little compact box that I call my life. My emotions are shredding me smaller and smaller; the suffocation of the pain is like the intoxication of blood. I don't know if I can keep it up much longer. But I have to. I have to teach the others to smile, to live beyond the tragedy. I can't change things. No matter how much I miss him.
Chang Wufei died, a month ago today. Killed in battle, with a death fit to fulfill his ideals of honor and justice. He was the strongest of us all. Now that he's gone, what are we expected to do without him? I guess all that we can do is live for him. The war is over now; he died right near the end. And thatís the most painful part, he almost made it out. He almost made it through the war. Now he's gone, and I won't get an honorable death like him. But you can't expect much from an orphan.
My life is like a game, I'm just waiting for my luck to run out, to see a "Game Over", and I'm begging Shinigami to end it soon. Without Wufei, there isn't much point in living anymore. My soul and heart died with him, along with my memories, secrets, and my happiness. He was the one who knew, the only one I entrusted with my fears and sorrows, he kept them safe, held them close in a sapphire encrusted box and wouldn't open it for anybody. He never would hurt me. But he always understood. I never could admit how I felt about him, but now, when it is too late, I realize he knew, and he loved me too. His velvet eyes could hide things so well, but his love was plain to see. Or it should have been. But who ever said I was smart enough to see the obvious? I always seem to miss those little hints, you know, the ones that make all the difference.
So when is this game going to be over? I can't keep playing it and losing. I have repaired my mask a thousand times, but no type of glue will be able to hold it together. I'm breaking, day by day, piece by piece, I'm falling apart. The fragments started breaking away long ago, but somehow Wufei had managed to bind me together tighter, at least for a while. Now I can't be upheld by the wings of my angel, no matter how strong he is. He's lifted me up when I was down the most, in death and life. After he passed, I've slit my wrists. Four times. Deep. Still he held me up, kept me going. Don't you want me to come find you 'Fei? Don't you want me to see your face again? I miss you, I am dead inside without you anyways, don't you see? I can't keep living without you. I can't breathe; the walls just keep closing in on me, Wufei! Why do you keep saving me? This Hell on earth is worse then any other Hell I will go to if I die.
Don't think I'm crazy, I know he can't voice his answers. Not anymore. The tears and blood that I've poured out for him are not enough, but I don't know what he wants me to do.
I don't even realize what I'm doing, my knife in my hand again. My wrists are bleeding again, the blood won't stop pouring, and I still won't be allowed to die. Just let me go already! This pain that courses through me,...no, it's not from the fresh slashes on my wrists, it's my heart, breaking, cracking, falling to the floor and bleeding there in front of the empty reflections in the mirror. I can't take it anymore. So it's not a surprise when my hand opens up the orange pill bottle, forcing them down my throat, one by one, till all 37 of them have been devoured, the whole time my only thought is upon Wufei and my memories of true happiness with him, I would be with him again soon. When I fall over, gashing my head on the nightstand, I am happy again for the first time in so long, and I slip away into silence as my blood pours over the floor.
And suddenly I see him.
"Duo...why'd you come after me? I tried so hard...so hard to give you the life that I couldn't have..."
And for the first time I have nothing to say, my eyes blink with tears of happiness as I joyously wrap my arms around him, to celebrate my triumph in once again finding he who I love and cherish beyond words, thoughts, tears, or blood.
And I thank Shinigami for bringing him back to me.